Contemplations

Every night I go to bed and spend way too much time thinking. Thinking about the trauma in life. I wonder how am I supposed to move on and survive? How many steps will it take to "be okay"?
Will it ever be okay? Or will it ebb and flow like the ocean?

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, "I'm not okay!" but realistically no one really cares. Your job just wants to know if you can handle the requirements. Your house just needs to be cleaned. When in life does it "get better"? Is it only your perspective? or is it only perspective from outsider's view?

I find myself saying, "If I only improve then I will ..." like it matters.

Wednesday, Oct 16, will mark my 2 year anniversary at my current job. That is a personal accomplishment for me. Simply because I tend to leave jobs as soon as possible if I am not gaining anything, such as more responsibility. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. I have no college degree to fall back on and I have no idea what I want to do for the future either. I am constantly changing my mind about myself. When creating my resume I even faltered on what to title/market myself.  Usually when you're at a crossroad in life there is someone or something that is guiding you. As of this moment, no one is doing that for me. Sometimes I think I just want to "warn" people about the fallacies in adoption...Then I feel like it doesn't really matter what I say.

I might just be having an insecure moment in my life but I feel like I missed something between high school and present day. Most people my age already have a college degree in something, have been in their career field, and are married or getting married. Here I am with no degree, a child I parent and one that I placed, a job that is uncertain and I am not even in a 'real' relationship. I know that people say, "Don't rush into marriage" but what is so wrong with wanting to be married? I just wonder if I am searching for something that can't be found. Am I searching for something that isn't materialistic at all? Am I just looking for something (anything) to fill this gaping hole inside me?

Summertime Sadness... (a song by Lana Del Ray)

Hello, I know it has been a while since I posted last. I have had a ton of things going on in my life. Summer is almost over and hopefully that means slowing down a little. This summer has been extra hard on me.  I have been having a hard time accepting some things and I lay awake most nights thinking but getting them written down is near impossible. A year after I relinquished my child I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a vaguely understood disease in the medical world and a humiliating one is the real world. RA means I have trouble doing lot's of things such as holding a pen and writing an 8 page essay or grocery shopping and picking items up off the shelves.  Basically, your immune system is attacking the joints in your body and when it gets done there it moves to the next thing which would be your muscles. After learning about it I also found out it is hereditary. Which meant contacting C's Family wouldn't be as easy this time because I had to tell them about it.

I have been talking to a highschool friend who lives in Hawaii.. Well, Honestly it's more like phone tag because being 5 hours behind him is ridiculously hard. But honestly if we can make time to talk (he even suggested skyping on our day off) then it should be just as easy to set up a time with *Melissa.

*Melissa and I haven't talked a single day via email or facebook or anything.  Although, She has been posting super cute pictures which I treasure and adore. Sometimes I wonder though, is it really worth it to fight this hard when the end result could be that he wants nothing to do with me or worse? I am starting to lose faith in things with adoption loss being the root of it. I have very few things that make me happy and even those things aren't really cutting it right now. I see the horror of adoption in the news now with the cases such as Veronica Brown and Baby Desiree. Yes, Horror. It is just that. You live and eat and breathe healthy for nine months to just hand over the child and move on like nothing happened. Hoping to wake up like it was a bad dream only to realize this IS real life and you can't wake up. Out of all the ladies I have as Nmoms or Fmoms in the adoption world, it all boils down to the same response: No matter how "open" your adoption is, You still lost and He/She still lost. And nothing can change that.

Anniversary

Most people have happy memories of anniversaries because most are truly happy times. Anniversary of the wedding or of when your child was born. Well today marks the 6 year anniversary of my dad's passing. He was never sick or did anything crazy (unless  you consider practical jokes that make you pee your pants crazy..) but he was there. Always calling to check on me and seeing how I was doing. If I was happy, what my plans for the day/week/month/year were. Anything at all and everything he wanted to know about. I remember the last visit I had with him I drove six hours to Va to spend like 4 days there and he had to work but that didn't matter, he brought his 21 year old daughter to work with him.

Those are the days I miss when I am feeling reminiscent and nostalgic. I miss those moments that pass where I didn't have to say anything was wrong, but a card  came in the mail with a simple "thinking of you" or "My daughter, you have my heart and make me happy"

My first child's name came from him. I was adamant about that. I said the first boy I have will be named after him since he will never get to know this wonderful person who made my world complete and happy. And while there has been hard times since his passing with the adoption of my second child. There has also been good times.

2007 was actually the year that I never thought I would survive. It was the year of funerals. All except one was family. About every three months I was attending another funeral. There was a total of 5 funerals that year. Who can go through all of that and say I'll be okay. I think after the third one even the most patient, happy, understanding person would go a little crazy. Makes me wonder what "God" sees in doing that sometimes. I am not what you would consider a religious person. Nor am I a spiritual guide or someone who believes in reincarnation or what have you. I can honestly say I don't know what I believe. But I don't go bashing others for their faith in God or Buddha or anything else.

My dad I guess raised me Catholic but I personally would never claim that religion. It seems to uptight and stuffy. The least sympathetic of all the organized religions but this is just my opinion of my experience with it. After I moved to NC in 2000, I started experiencing different religions/spiritual practices but I still have yet to find what I am looking for. Who knows what will happen. I just hope to have peace in my heart with whatever struggle is going on.

This past week I have also had several people tell me that I am the most patient person they have ever met. I just smile and think when did that happen. Today, Melissa* messaged me on facebook to tell me they were coming to town this Friday. I am supposed to be working but I am hoping to get a call back with the manager saying he was able to switch my shifts. She wants to have a "private dinner" with just D and me along with C and her little family at a local restaurant. I am just hoping that everything works out and I can go. This will probably be the last time I see him before he leaves for Hawaii and possibly even more so since they will be out there til he about 6 years old. I don't know if they will be coming into the mainland for anytime during the summer or what may happen. But I am not trying to get my hopes up for anything.. I would much rather have low expectations than high ones. Thanks Adoption for teaching that..





(*Name changed to protect Identity.)

"Lullaby In Blue"

I found this song shortly after placing my son C for adoption and the first time I heard it he was only a couple weeks old: Bette Midler's "Lullaby in Blue".
She is a N-Mother and that song has profoundly affected me.  The second song I found to relate even more to is "My Heart Is Broken" by Evanesence.

Each song is drastically different and yet uniquely the same. Whenever I listen to them I can instantly cry or scream or just feel the sadness that I tuck away most days. They both help me deal with the hard days when I feel I can't go on and just need to cry it out.

On the Birth Mom Buds blog website, every Monday they feature a song. I posted My Heart is Broken on their page and founder Coley loved it so much she asked if she could post it on a Music Monday. I felt honored that she enjoyed it. Do you have certain music that helps you deal with the grief, sadness, and anger? Feel free to share in the comments! I hope to hear more about what you guys do to get through a hard day.

Mother's Day

I have actually been noticing that I am not as grumpy this Mother's Day. I try to remember I do have D to care for and that I am still a mother. Although it is hard for some of my friends, who have relinquished their first child to adoption, I try to make them feel better in different ways.

Would you like to help because you know someone? Try maybe making a card or writing them a letter that is unique. I just read a great article that covers a little of what it might be like for those Mother's who don't have their kids or who can't have kids or even have disabled kids who can't make that handmade craft or leave that voice mail message that you love dearly.

It makes my heart feel better when the world is working in sync and remembering those who need to be remembered.

Natural Mothers (First mothers or birth mothers) all want to be remembered for that child they relinquished. It may not be long ago that it happened or it may be years and years now. Either way, there is still a piece of heart missing and sometimes it feels good to have others acknowledge that piece. Sometimes N-Mothers might want to be alone but sometimes they want a phone call or a visit with a friend. Trust your instincts and listen to your heart. Go with what feels right. Remember N-mothers, You are not alone.  I have started lighting a candle each year on Mother's Day for those who have lost their child (due to pregnancy issues and/or adoption) and it makes me feel like I have (in a small way) helped those ladies heal a little..  just maybe.

To be or not to be?

I have been thinking the past few days, after calming down of course, about some topics that were discussed at the Birth Mom Buds Retreat here in Charlotte. Over the weekend we do fun games and activities and we attend workshops on different topics. This year I chose to attend the "Closed Adoption" workshop to see what it was like to deal with adoption from that perspective. While I don't "technically" have a closed adoption, I do feel the communication is in a rough spot and I was hoping to learn some techniques to either cope with it or techniques that help make it better. One thing that kept getting repeated from everyone in room: always be available and reachable.

1) Keep your contact information up to date. Let the adoptive family know (if you can) when you move or change your number.

2) If you personally can't give the family your information. Sign up online on registries such as National Adoption Registry  www.nationaladoptionregistry.com or if you are a birthparent you can join CUB: Concerned United Birthparents http://www.cubirthparents.org/

3) If you have the ability to send anything make sure you keep any records you have of when you sent letters/photos/packages to your child. Sometimes, little contact is better than no contact.

4) Remember it's okay to feel what you feel. Be angry, be sad, and if you feel happy that's okay too! Just remember that there are others who feel the same way and all you have to do is reach out. I have noticed that the more involved I am in the adoption community the more I have friends around me. Some are even a mile down the road!

Until next time,
Rose

New Year.. Less visits?

So this year is completely new for me. Lots of changes are happening and I'm not quite sure where to go with them. I found out in January from the AP's that they are being re-stationed to a new base in Hawaii. This is heartbreaking for me. I got comfortable with how contact was going.  Since placement, I have gotten to see him twice a year and pictures via Facebook or Snapfish. One visit around his birthday and once around Christmas. Now that they are moving I am unsure if they will be coming mainland at anytime during the 3 year station.

Every once in a while I will get a phone call from her or a Facebook message stating new information, like when she is coming to town or if C is into anything new. We have only once been on Skype together and that was only because I "happened" to be at her dad's house (which is my Uncle) for Christmas. I was looking forward to the future getting better instead I feel like its taken a step backwards. She (Amom) has never been particularly nice to me except when I was pregnant but since I am an optimistic person I hoped for things to become even closer than before. Amom and I have had our fair share of "ups and downs" but for the most part she has remained good on what she has promised. Now aside from telling me about the re-location, she hasn't told me how contact will change.

Now realistically, I know that they probably won't be coming twice a year like the past 3 years but the fact remains that she has refused to discuss it with me. Even on the last visit when I asked about C and how he was doing she vaguely answered the questions. I got more information out of her husband than I did asking her and he just came back from Iraq!

I just feel hurt and left out on simple things. She has flat out said (on several occasions) that she only talks to 3 people in her life: Husband, Father, Best Friend. If you're not one of those three then you are lucky to get information about general life. I am nothing to her. She doesn't want me involved (or so she says) because it makes her other adopted child feel left out.

Now, whenever I have been around the children I have always included both. At Christmas time, I get presents for the whole family Amom(cousin), Adad, daughter, and C. I never wanted anyone to feel that way. But she has made it that way by (what I feel) purposely trying to exclude me.

On top of all this swirling in my head, R calls me today lets me know two pieces of information. 1) He has made it to a year sober and 2) He was in jail. (HA!)
Yes, in jail. That doesn't surprise me though. Throughout the 4 years that we "dated" (if you could even call it that) he was in and out of the house(s) that we rented and never could keep a job. Always blamed me for something. Blame, shame and manipulation. We used those on each other toward the end. Things between us ended very rough to say the least.