Contemplations

Every night I go to bed and spend way too much time thinking. Thinking about the trauma in life. I wonder how am I supposed to move on and survive? How many steps will it take to "be okay"?
Will it ever be okay? Or will it ebb and flow like the ocean?

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, "I'm not okay!" but realistically no one really cares. Your job just wants to know if you can handle the requirements. Your house just needs to be cleaned. When in life does it "get better"? Is it only your perspective? or is it only perspective from outsider's view?

I find myself saying, "If I only improve then I will ..." like it matters.

Wednesday, Oct 16, will mark my 2 year anniversary at my current job. That is a personal accomplishment for me. Simply because I tend to leave jobs as soon as possible if I am not gaining anything, such as more responsibility. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. I have no college degree to fall back on and I have no idea what I want to do for the future either. I am constantly changing my mind about myself. When creating my resume I even faltered on what to title/market myself.  Usually when you're at a crossroad in life there is someone or something that is guiding you. As of this moment, no one is doing that for me. Sometimes I think I just want to "warn" people about the fallacies in adoption...Then I feel like it doesn't really matter what I say.

I might just be having an insecure moment in my life but I feel like I missed something between high school and present day. Most people my age already have a college degree in something, have been in their career field, and are married or getting married. Here I am with no degree, a child I parent and one that I placed, a job that is uncertain and I am not even in a 'real' relationship. I know that people say, "Don't rush into marriage" but what is so wrong with wanting to be married? I just wonder if I am searching for something that can't be found. Am I searching for something that isn't materialistic at all? Am I just looking for something (anything) to fill this gaping hole inside me?