Rheumatoid Arthritis is a vaguely understood disease in the medical world and a humiliating one is the real world. RA means I have trouble doing lot's of things such as holding a pen and writing an 8 page essay or grocery shopping and picking items up off the shelves. Basically, your immune system is attacking the joints in your body and when it gets done there it moves to the next thing which would be your muscles. After learning about it I also found out it is hereditary. Which meant contacting C's Family wouldn't be as easy this time because I had to tell them about it.
I have been talking to a highschool friend who lives in Hawaii.. Well, Honestly it's more like phone tag because being 5 hours behind him is ridiculously hard. But honestly if we can make time to talk (he even suggested skyping on our day off) then it should be just as easy to set up a time with *Melissa.
*Melissa and I haven't talked a single day via email or facebook or anything. Although, She has been posting super cute pictures which I treasure and adore. Sometimes I wonder though, is it really worth it to fight this hard when the end result could be that he wants nothing to do with me or worse? I am starting to lose faith in things with adoption loss being the root of it. I have very few things that make me happy and even those things aren't really cutting it right now. I see the horror of adoption in the news now with the cases such as Veronica Brown and Baby Desiree. Yes, Horror. It is just that. You live and eat and breathe healthy for nine months to just hand over the child and move on like nothing happened. Hoping to wake up like it was a bad dream only to realize this IS real life and you can't wake up. Out of all the ladies I have as Nmoms or Fmoms in the adoption world, it all boils down to the same response: No matter how "open" your adoption is, You still lost and He/She still lost. And nothing can change that.
*Melissa and I haven't talked a single day via email or facebook or anything. Although, She has been posting super cute pictures which I treasure and adore. Sometimes I wonder though, is it really worth it to fight this hard when the end result could be that he wants nothing to do with me or worse? I am starting to lose faith in things with adoption loss being the root of it. I have very few things that make me happy and even those things aren't really cutting it right now. I see the horror of adoption in the news now with the cases such as Veronica Brown and Baby Desiree. Yes, Horror. It is just that. You live and eat and breathe healthy for nine months to just hand over the child and move on like nothing happened. Hoping to wake up like it was a bad dream only to realize this IS real life and you can't wake up. Out of all the ladies I have as Nmoms or Fmoms in the adoption world, it all boils down to the same response: No matter how "open" your adoption is, You still lost and He/She still lost. And nothing can change that.
